Gentleness is a universal value

Gentleness is a universal value

No. 8 Fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23

In the book

LIFESKILLS 101: Higher Core Values Winners Live by

A Biblical, scientific and graphic presentation of the benefits

of living by higher levels of Fruit(s) of the Spirit.

GENTLENESS – The Bible and scientific research

Words change meaning over the centuries. The King James translation of this Fruit of the Spirit into “meekness” is approaching 500 years of age. The word “meekness” today signifies someone who is quite passive. Some Christians are quite passive. Being meek or even passive is appropriate at times. Passive people tend not to scream, fight, or argue. But excessive “meekness” can allow persons to excessively suppress negative feelings. A large amount of meekness, in the sense of being passive, tends to make persons withdraw when they should be going forward. More recent translations are using the word “gentleness.” This word preserves the original meaning of “meekness” and other synonyms like “humbleness,” while allowing for a certain amount of assertion found in the idea of gentleness.

The image that Christians are supposed to be less assertive resulted from the Greek word, praos and prautes being translated by the word “meek” in the King James translation. We find this in the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the meek (Greek=praos), for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 KJ). Another example, Jesus quotes Zechariah 9:9, “See, the King comes to you, GENTLE (Greek=praos) and riding on a donkey” (Matthew 21:5). (See also James 1:21 and 3:13 for “gentle”). The King James translation uses “meek” but the New International Version mostly uses the word “GENTLE.” The word GENTLE suggests more assertiveness than the word “meek.” Many earlier uses of “meek” and “meekness” have given Christianity an unattractive and potentially incorrect image.

The Apostle Paul turned out to be a GENTLE person. He did not start out that way. Our first picture of him is that he was very religious but very angry at Christians. He went to Damascus to find more Christians whom he would turn over to be persecuted. That is hostile aggression. God gave him a blinding vision of himself on the Road to Damascus. It was a turning point in his life, his conversion. After that he became more level-headed. When he wrote to the Corinthian church he asked them, “Shall I come to you with a rod (as in hostile aggression), or with love in a spirit of GENTLENESS (meekness-KJ)?” (I Corinthians 4:21). Paul had a choice. He could mobilize aggression and hostility, or he could be more “gentle.” He decided to be GENTLE, but he was also quite confrontational to the Corinthians.

UNDERSTANDING GENTLENESS AS BEING ASSERTIVE

The Apostle Peter also recommended speaking up (gentle assertion), but without hostility. Peter wrote, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have, but do this with GENTLENESS and respect” (I Peter 3:15 NIV, also gentle in LB, RSV). In this setting the Apostle Peter is advocating a type of “gentleness” that is midway between passive withdrawal and out-of-control defensive aggression. That model is similar to one which the social sciences have been using. It is a model that sets some limits to “meekness” going excessively passive, as well as setting some limits to the opposite responses that have too much hostility in them. It is a model that retains some of the good elements of “meekness” while allowing for some expansion into the area of stronger expression of self.

THE ASSERTIVENESS MODEL

The Assertiveness Training model of the social sciences helps us understand GENTLENESS, the Christian Fruit of the Spirit, No. 8. There is a close parallel between ASSERTIVENESS and GENTLENESS, each helping to define and reinforce the other.

At its core, the Assertiveness Training model makes assertiveness one of life’s optimum behaviors. Assertiveness as a more ideal behavior exists in the area between the extremes of passiveness and aggression. When a person thinks of Jesus one thinks of a GENTLE - ASSERTIVE person. References to assertiveness in the social sciences go back as far as 1937, according to Michael Emmons, author of The Assertive Christian (1981). “Assertiveness training officially began in 1952, when Joseph Wolpe, a psychiatrist at Temple University in Philadelphia, identified the therapeutic approach. In his introductory material, Wolpe referred to Andrew Salter as the ‘pioneer of assertive behavior’ [Salter wrote in 1949]” (Emmons, 1981).

The Assertiveness Training model simply identifies assertiveness as an optimum behavior that exists between two extremes of hostile aggression and passive introjection of negative feelings. There is some Biblical support for this in the list of qualifications for Bishop or supervisor in I Timothy 3:1 ff. There, the Apostle Paul advocates that a Bishop should be “gentle,” and not “violent.” And in the second letter to Timothy, Paul also suggests that this GENTLE behavior should not become passive behavior. He suggests quite a bold approach; “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrelsome; but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, forbearing, correcting his opponents with GENTLENESS” (II Timothy 2:25 RSV). This is not a picture of keeping silent, walking away and avoiding the truth. This is a picture of assertiveness without passiveness as one extreme, or aggressive hostility on the other extreme. This is the correct picture of Christianity. This picture is also generated by the Assertiveness Training model of the social scientists. Assertiveness coming from a revealed source, the Bible, and from a social science source (Salter, Wolpe, Alberti and Emmons), is mutually supportive and mutually validating. It’s a wedding of two of the highest sources of truth; the Bible and the scientific research of the social sciences.

Not long ago I was managing the building of a home for Habitat for Humanity. One of the contractors was taping the seams of the drywall. He was doing this evenings, independent of his daytime job. His slowness was creating major scheduling problems for the volunteers who were scheduled to continue after he finished. He made excuses. I forgave at first. Then the contractor began to shift from excuses for himself and his workers, to blaming us for not having the wood framing done correctly. We went over his agreement with us. He said I was not remembering correctly. Finally he said, “And you are a Christian and you are calling me a liar.” I had not lied. He viewed me as hostile, putting him down. His attack on me was just more blaming. I recalled my image of Jesus and my understanding of ASSERTIVENESS. I kept from becoming AGGRESSIVE. I kept from being PASSIVE. I maintained my gentleness, and affirmed that I don’t have a bad memory. Everything worked out, and my GENTLENESS was neither hostile-aggressive nor passive.

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

We need to recognize that some cultures do not support strongly assertive behavior. They promote more meek behavior. The Biblical message allows for variations and thus agrees with the model that the optimum position is generally more central.

BEFORE WE GO FURTHER, IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO KNOW WHAT LEVEL OF GENTLENESS (seen also as ASSERTIVENESS), WE LIVE AT.

HIGH GENTLENESS IS AT THE TOP, BUT BEING PASSIVE, HOSTILE AND EXPLOSIVE, IS AT THE LOWEST END OF THE SPECTRUM.

TO FIND OUT WHERE WE STAND HERE IS THAT TEST.

PART 1

MEASURING ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS

The following questions pursue the level of gentleness as it is currently being defined more and more by the newer translations of the Word of God. The King James use of the word “meek” for “gentleness” has been a problem. “Meek” does injustice to what we see in Jesus. Jesus had a meekness quality or a gentleness quality, but it was only a part of his overall more assertive behavior.

Pick out the most appropriate response.

Write the number of that response in the space provided by that statement.

0=Never, 1=Rarely, 2=Occasionally, 3=Sometimes, 4=Frequently, 5=Almost always

71. _____ I am assertive, meaning I decide, plan, and act.

72. _____ I take charge of things.

73. _____ I am good at supervising others.

74. _____ I am a competitive person, and like to win.

75. _____ I go after what I want.

76. _____ I let people know what I think.

77. _____ I prefer to be a leader than a follower.

78. _____ I pursue solutions until I solve problems.

79. _____ I will stand up for my rights.

80. _____ I have high expectations for myself and others.

__________ TOTAL

(This is Segment No. 8 of Darrell Franken’s Christian Personality Profile built around the Fruit(s) of the Spirit. These questions are a synthesis of the questions found in 39 major published tests. Keep your answers to yourself.)

Take the TOTAL and go to the next page. Find the TOTAL which is on the left side of the column.

RAW SCORES TO PERCENTILES

Find your raw score in the left column, and the score next to it will be your percentile score. The percentile (%) is your score in relation to a cross section of 100 persons in the general population. (Raw=%)

1=1st 11=1st 21=7th 31=25th 41=75th

2=1st 12=1st 22=8th 32=27th 42=80th

3=1st 13=1st 23=9th 33=30th 43=83rd

4=1st 14=1st 24=10th 34=35th 44=87th

5=1st 15=1st 25=12th 35=40th 45=90th

6=1st 16=2nd 26=14th 36=45th 46=95th

7=1st 17=3rd 27=16th 37=50th 47=96th

8=1st 18=4th 28=18th 38=60th 48=97th

9=1st 19=5th 29=20th 39=65th 49=99th

10=1st 20=6th 30=23rd 40=70th 50=99th

(Example: If your raw score is 45, then your percentile score is 90, which means that only 10 out of 100 persons are more “Assertive / Gentle” than you -- plus or minus about 5% points.)

As persons increase in age their raw scores and percentile scores become higher. High school students may feel their percentile scores are somewhat too low, and older persons may feel that their percentile scores are somewhat higher than is really true. It is difficult to make a test that identifies proper levels in all age groups, without it becoming too complicated for the average person. Many religiously devout persons are surprised their scores are as low as they are. If your “ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS” score was low today, or you let your “assertive gentleness” slide toward too much “passiveness” or “hostility” tomorrow, there are statistical chances you will miss some earthly benefits. Let this information alert you, if necessary, to move you to higher levels of spirituality that deliver, which in turn, deliver higher levels of the many benefits described in this book.

USING ONE’S SCORE TO PREDICT WHAT NEEDS UPGRADING

Remember your percentile score for “gentleness.” You can use that score to discover possible shortcomings. We all have some shortcomings. We all need to grow spiritually in our behaviors. One of our problems is that we like our “comfort zone” so much we don’t work at becoming more spiritual. Take your percentile score for “gentleness” and find your spot on the lines in the charts on the next few pages.

PREDICTING YOUR LEADERSHIP BY WAY OF YOUR GENTLENESS

THE GRAPH SHOWS THAT GENTLENESS IS STRONGLY ASSOCIATED WITH LEADERSHIP. A person with higher levels of Christian GENTLENESS has a greater probability of becoming more of a leader.

Remember your percentile score. Find the spot on the gentleness line. Next, look just below or above that spot on the leadership line. That is your predicted “leadership” potential in relationship to your “gentleness” level. For example, if you had a gentleness percentile score of 62, looking below it, you have a current leadership potential at 47th percentile (out of 100) of other persons. You are not stuck there for the remainder of your life because an increase in spirituality and “gentleness” can develop and mature.

Your leadership actual and/or potential is not simply dependent on your gentleness but on the overall package of the 9 Fruits of the Spirit levels in your life. Your predicted level of leadership is also predicted as an average for all persons with the percentile score of 62. You may in fact be somewhat higher or lower in leadership potential.

This is brought to your attention to help you understand the power in higher levels of Fruits of the Spirit to help deliver higher levels of leadership potential. Only the gentle-assertive approach helps foster greater leadership. This gentle and assertive approach also involves other skills. You need faith, prayer, forgiveness, dialogue, negotiation and Christian practices like that to help make gentleness work.

Furthermore, the chart and its wisdom steer us away from hostile aggression or passiveness. Leadership potential drops as hostile aggression and/or passiveness take the place of gentleness. Leadership is generally incompatible with hostile aggression and/or passiveness. Where there is no faith, prayer, forgiveness, dialogue, negotiation and other rational behaviors, people often turn to hostile aggression. Some, however, bottle hostile feelings and become passive.

The Apostle Paul recommended GENTLENESS. He recommended it to Timothy and James. He also reminds Titus. “Remind them (Titus’ friends on the isle of Crete) to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient . . . to be GENTLE (Greek=epieikes) and show perfect courtesy to all” (Titus 3:1,2 RSV + LB).

The Apostle Peter is an example of how spirituality generates the “fruit” named GENTLENESS. Earlier Peter had strong and violent impulses. Even after 3 years with Jesus, during the arrest process of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Peter cut off the ear of a Roman guard who was going to take Jesus (Matthew 26:52). Jesus rebuked Peter for it. Later, this same Peter started the movement to bring the Gospel of Christ to the Gentiles (Acts 10 and 11). He was criticized by his fellow Jews, but he GENTLY explained how God had instructed him. He must have become GENTLE because he turned out to be a very strong LEADER. Stronger leaders have more GENTLENESS than aggression.

DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?

How gentle are people where you work, and how gentle are your leaders?

YOUR RESPONSE

Are you starting to get a deeper appreciation for the benefits of the Christian faith?

GENTLENESS PREDICTING REDUCED ILLNESS

ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH. — IT IS ASSOCIATED WITH A REDUCTIONS THAT AVERAGE ABOUT HALF THE INCIDENCE OF NEED FOR MEDICAL SERVICES.

Unbelievers! Take note! God’s recommended lifeskills above the 66th percentile deliver; (1) 31% decrease in Days in the Hospital, (2) -33.8% decrease in counseling, (3) -76.9% decrease in anxiety attacks, (4) -53.6% decrease in substance abuse,(5) -55.4% decrease in behavior problems, (6) -67.9% decrease in migraines.

Half-hearted believers! If you are below the 66th percentile in GENTLENESS, on the average it is unlikely that you will tend to receive the same statistical health advantages. If a Christian is half-hearted about applying spirituality to gain gentle assertiveness, then s/he ought not be upset with God for allowing his/her above-average amount of illness.

Not all illnesses come from germs or chemicals in the environment. Many illnesses are related to the lifestyles we lead, in combination with genetic and environmental factors. Heart disease is often related to stress, fat intake, etc. Alcohol consumption is a factor in some liver disease, etc. We may not be able to change the genetic and environmental factors, but we can change to more optimum lifeskills. ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS, obtained through God, Christ, faith, trust, prayer, Bible Study, fellowship with believers, etc., appears to prevent some percentage of illnesses.

Read any of Dr. Paul Tournier’s books or almost any contemporary book on Stress Management and you will understand the connection between lifeskills and health.

CAN’T BE BOTH PASSIVE AND GENTLE.

THE GRAPH SAYS THE SAME THING THAT THE APOSTLE PAUL SAID TO TIMOTHY, “CORRECT(ING) OPPONENTS WITH GENTLENESS” (II TIMOTHY 2:25). THAT IS NOT PASSIVENESS. GENTLENESS IS BOLDNESS, LIKE JESUS coming into Jerusalem, “gentle, riding on a donkey.” Facing opposition and death with “gentlenessf” is facing it with faith and boldness, not passivity or hostileness.

The Apostle Paul combined gentleness and boldness when he communicated with the Corinthian church. However, he does not want to have the Corinthians think that his boldness is hostile aggression.

“By the meekness (Greek=prautes) and gentleness (Greek=epieikea) of Christ, I appeal to you — I, Paul, who am timid when face to face with you, but bold when away. I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world. For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world . . . I do not want to frighten you with my letters. . . ” (I Corinthians 10:1).

Poor Paul! He hates to be confrontive, and hopes the people won’t misinterpret and become defensive. Paul doesn’t want to alienate his converts.

DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?

How do you speak up and get your point across without alienating someone?

GENTLENESS REDUCES EXPLOSIVENESS.

THE GRAPH SHOWS THAT INCREASING LEVELS OF EXPLOSIVENESS (aggression) ACCOMPANY DECREASING LEVELS OF GENTLENESS.

This inverse statistical association supports the idea that a hot-head has considerably less possibility of becoming a manager or leader at his or her place of employment. People do not work well under verbally explosive and violence-oriented persons. GENTLENESS is a higher value. It is a more valuable asset. Christianity delivers higher-level GENTLENESS (to many, but not to all). The graph builds credibility for the power of Christian faith to produce positive benefits. Scientific research and the Bible agree. “Godliness (a part of which is gentleness) is of value in every way. It will help you not only now in this life, but in the next life too” (I Timothy 4:8 RSV + LB). Higher spirituality in the form of GENTLENESS reduces explosiveness, increasing one’s probability for promotions to higher level supervisory positions.

Ghandi was the highest official in India when the British left in 1946-1947. Ghandi did not use violent means to push out the British. Ghandi used peaceful means. There was a strong desire by most people in India for the British to leave. Ghandi used a GENTLE approach. He fasted. His fasts were lengthy. Ghandi represents a lifeskill that is highly prized for its benefits.

DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?

Are leaders in the world becoming more gently assertive rather than hostile and aggression-filled?

PUT GOD’S GENTLENESS IN YOUR LEADERSHIP

THE PILLAR ON THE LEFT IS FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT NO. 8 -- GENTLE-ASSERTIVENESS.

The four pillars support the idea that higher levels of gentle - assertive behavior (left pillar), are associated with higher levels of communication, expression and influence (three right pillars). Equally true, but not apparent in the pillar chart is the opposite. Lower levels of gentle-assertive behaviors are associated with less “communication” and less “expression.” The consequence is that one has less “influence.” The practical outcome is that a person who doesn’t become more spiritually minded, may never have enough Fruit(s) of the Spirit to reach his or her optimum potential. The corruption of this world may grab and hold a person from attaining productive lifeskills. A personal faith in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit “saves us from the corruption that is in this world” (II Peter 1:4 RSV). And “Thanks be to God, who in Christ, always leads us in triumph” (II Corinthians 2:14 RSV).

DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?

If you attended Sunday School as a child, and continue throughout life in Adult Christian Education by age 60 you will have 3000+ hours of training in optimum lifeskills. That is about twice as much time as a college student spends in the classroom for 4 years. Are we learning as much and profiting as much from our lifetime of Sunday School and Adult Christian Education?

HIGHER SPIRITUAL FRUIT(S) DELIVER MORE FUN.

THE CHART SHOWS THAT THE HIGHEST– SCORING GENTLE , BUT ASSERTIVE PERSONS, HAVE THE MOST FUN.

Christians have no business having fun at someone else’s expense. Bert was attending college. He lived in a dormitory and associated with persons living on his floor. When a group from the dormitory walked over to the dining hall on campus, they managed to single out Bert’s woods-country habits and manners of speaking. Bert became the object of jokes. Little by little the group found humor in Bert’s habits and manners. Members of the group made remarks that other group members laughed at. In the dormitory halls it was not uncommon to hear semi-mocking humor comments, “Hey Bert, how’s Ernie?” This was a reference to Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street. Comments like this are not overtly derogatory, but they leave a trail of put-down sentiment. Bert listened to comments like this for weeks. Then, one day, Bert quit college.

DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?

Is this common? Would a higher-level FRUIT(S) OF THE SPIRIT Christian do this? Why didn’t Bert speak up? What would a counselor say to Bert? Do you think his Sunday School teacher would have taught “turning the other cheek” or “speak up?” Is this a weakness of the church, that we can’t seem to translate Biblical GENTLENESS and ASSERTIVENESS into optimum lifeskills for practical use?

CHRISTIAN FAITH and GENTLE ASSERTIVENESS

THIS GRAPH SUPPORTS THE CONCLUSION THAT WHEN PERSONS HAVE HIGHER LEVELS OF GENTLE ASSERTIVENESS (Fruit of the Spirit No. 8 - center), THEIR TENDENCY TO “SUPPRESS” (left) AND THEIR TENDENCY TO “EXPLODE” (right) ARE REDUCED IN SIZE. This supports the assertiveness model of the social sciences.

The bar on the left shows that when persons average higher ASSERTIVENES (middle bar), they (as a statistical group) average less “suppression” of negative feelings. ASSERTIVENES is better, because “suppression” of negative feelings tends to generate emotional disturbance. The bar on the right shows reduced “explosiveness” in that same group of persons who have higher ASSERTIVENESS (center bar). The chart above basically shows how the top one-third of ASSERTIVE persons function. This illustrates the assertiveness model of the social sciences. — When one simply evaluates the top 10% of ASSERTIVE persons, the “suppress” and “explode” bars are even shorter. That indicates that persons with the very highest ASSERTIVE scores, average some of the very lowest “suppress” and “explode” scores. There is practical advantage to higher spirituality that delivers a higher-level ASSERTIVE type of GENTLENESS. A proper faith that strives for Jesus’ type of GENTLENESS combined with Jesus’ ASSERTIVENESS, tends to reduce the bad emotional effects of excessive passiveness and excessive aggression.

Your author never ceases to be amazed at how his research has given credibility to Biblical truth. The amazement that follows is, “How can anyone refuse to believe in the power of Christian spirituality to lift him/herself to his/her optimum potential?” How about you?

PART 2

FIXING AND/OR UPGRADING

ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS

ASSERTIVENESS ILLUSTRATED

1. AGGRESSIVE STYLE

Sue: Hey, I told you I wanted to go out shopping tonight.

You are late and you ruined my entire evening.

Joe: I really don’t care. I had an errand to run.

Sue: That could have been done later.

Joe: Will you shut up. I can do what I want.

2. PASSIVE STYLE

Sue: Would you take out the garbage for me?

Joe: I’m watching TV.

Sue: O.K. I’ll do it myself.

3. ASSERTIVE STYLE

Sue: Joe, the lawn has to be mowed.

Joe: I’m tired.

Sue: I can see that. When can I expect it to be done?

Joe: I don’t know.

Sue: Will it be done by Saturday?

Joe: Sure.

Sue: Is that a promise?

Joe: O.K.

ILLUSTRATION OF THE ALBERTI AND EMMONS ASSERTIVENESS MODEL

The situation: Shayla and Osmand go out to dinner. Osmand orders a dinner of rainbow trout. Shayla orders Chicken Kiev. When the food is served it becomes apparent that the fish has been slightly burned.

Passive, Non-assertive reaction: Osmand grumbles to Shayla. He is very upset and finds fault with the other food items. He complains to Shayla about the restaurant. He informs Shayla that he will not ever go to this restaurant again. The server stops to ask how the meal is. Osmand does not speak. Shayla says it is “fine.” She covers for him, trying not to have bad feelings or create a conflict scene.

Aggressive reaction: Osmand is upset. He waves his hand to get the attention of the server. The server does not appear quick enough, so Osmand gets up and finds the server at another table. Osmand returns with the server to the table. Osmand speaks very angrily. He criticizes the whole plate of food. He demands an entire new plate of fish. The server is humiliated. Shayla is embarrassed. Her delight in going out has turned into a painful experience.

Assertive reaction: Osmand ceases eating. He catches the eye of the server, who comes to the table. Osmand shows the server the burned back side of the fish. He jokes about how the cook must have been watching too many fish at one time. Then he lifts the plate and asks very politely that the cook broil another fish, with his eye on the fish instead of the server. The original hurt motivated the action, but the love in Osmand modified the behavior. Humor got the message across. Everyone comes out a winner. Gentleness smooths out the violent hills and the depressive valleys of people’s daily experiences.

HOW DO YOU MEASURE UP TO THESE GUIDELINES?

GENTLE — ASSERTIVENESS EXERCISES

1. At a gas station the attendant filed the gas tank of your car, but forgot to replace the cap. You discover it later and return to the station and make a response. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following.

Non-assertive

ASSERTIVE

Aggressive

2. You took your dress or suit to the cleaners. When you have it home and examine it there is a extra crease in the dress/suit and they did not get a spot out. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following.

Non-assertive

ASSERTIVE

Aggressive

3. A teenager has been putting off doing homework, hasn’t kept his/her room clean, and came home late. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following.

Non-assertive

ASSERTIVE

Aggressive

GENTLE — ASSERTIVENESS EXERCISES

4. You invite people to a party. One of your good friends does not come to the party. How do you handle your hurt feelings. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. How would you respond if you were,

Non-assertive

ASSERTIVE

Aggressive

5. You are a 9th grader. Some of your classmates tease you about your clothes. You feel hurt and rejected. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. How would you respond if you were;

Non-assertive

ASSERTIVE

Aggressive

6. You asked your son or daughter to help you with the dishes. That son or daughter won’t leave the TV program to help you. How would you respond if you were;

Non-assertive

ASSERTIVE

Aggressive

While God is loving, He’s not totally passive about our behavior. He can invade this world with a fury when he wants. He is also able to forgive. Gentleness requires that a person clean up some of his or her hurts by forgiving. God, in the form of His Son Jesus, went to the cross to show He suffered people’s abuse but was still gentle because he could forgive. By communion with his Father, he gained power to forgive the worst possible enemies a person can have. Hanging on the cross he said, “Father forgive them, for they don’t realize what they are doing.” That model is portrayed in weekly worship so that you may be continually reminded of the need for being forgiving. You need to be forgiving as you work your way through life’s daily hurts; sometimes shutting your mouth when you do not want to, and sometimes speaking up when it might be painful to others. With love and forgiveness in your heart, the chances of making a wrong decision are diminished.

God’s Holy Spirit is available to help make it possible for you to forgive. That is a more personal matter. You will probably decide this on the basis of the benefits of a deeper change of values and loyalties.

DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT FORGIVENESS?

A Personnel Manager or Human Resource manager uses mediation skills regularly. S/he lets one person have a private session. Then s/he lets the other person have a private session. Then s/he brings the two together, and lets them dialogue. There are a couple of rules they follow. Each party is coached to say how s/he feels inside their feelings, more than what s/he thinks in their heads. Also each party is coached to claim what they want, more than crab about what they don’t want.

The Christian perspective is not very different. It has elements of private face-to-face dialogue. It has elements of having a mediator present. (Step 1) “If your brother trespass against you (sin against you, or offend you) go tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have restored the relationship. (Step 2) But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. (Step 3) If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. (Step 4) If he refuses to listen to the church, let him be to thee as a heathen and a publican (going to hell)” (Matthew 18:15-17).

People love to go directly from the offense before Step 1, straight to Step No. 4. They somewhat angrily adopt the “Go to hell! (Step No. 4)” attitude when they do not know what else to do. Christians (also everyone) need to use this good advice of Jesus’ assertive-type conflict-resolution program. (Step No. 3 is almost entirely avoided in the current church).

DISCUSS WHEN, WHERE, AND HOW THESE 4 STEPS MAY BE USEFUL.

Do you need to resolve some of your negative feelings by doing the 4-step process, rather than avoiding this process?

DISCUSSION

1. Trina, Doren and Neda all attended a nearby elementary school. Doren (age 10) felt his two sisters were favored in the family and that they had more friends at school. Doren began to do poorly in his class in school. The more poorly he did in class the more negative the teacher and friends became. Look at all 7 chalkboards on the previous pages and apply how each of the various skills might have helped him.

2. Cagney Williams was a second string defensive end on his high school football team. After graduating from high school he got a factory job and soon supervised a team of line-workers. One day Cagney got in a fight with a worker who challenged him. When his boss heard about the fight he phoned Cagney to come to his office. Cagney left the plant by another door, called in and quit the job. Look at all 7 chalk boards in these pages and try to figure out what Cagney could have done to prevent a fight and prevent quitting his job.

3. The poor-me passive and non-assertive type of persons often try to manipulate others into helping, or taking it easy on them. Their behaviors are not assertive. Such persons should be taught to speak up in some situations. Now that you know some information about the problems of non-assertive behavior, what would you say to this person?

FOLLOWING SOME OF THE WORDS AND STYLE OF THE GREATEST CHAPTER ON LOVE, I CORINTHIANS 13, THINK ABOUT GENTLE ASSERTIVENESS THIS WAY.

If I speak with the tongue of ordinary people,

And have not assertiveness,

I can be mentally ill and easily sick.

If I look pretty, have a good brain and physique,

And my father owns a thousand chain stores,

But I do not have assertiveness; I am nothing.

If I give away all my money to make friends,

And deliver a new car to every neighbor,

But if I do not have assertiveness, I gain nothing.

Assertiveness is not jealous or boastful.

It is not arrogant or rude.

Assertiveness does not insist on its own way.

It is not irritated or resentful.

If does not rejoice in seeing others hurt.

It rejoices in the achievement of others.

Assertiveness bears all things.

Assertiveness believes all things.

Assertiveness hopes all things.

Assertiveness endures all things.

Assertiveness never runs out of sunshine.

As for passiveness, it brings on depression.

As for aggressiveness, it hurts others.

As for assertiveness; it flows from self worth.

For passiveness is a problem.

And aggressiveness is a problem.

So when assertiveness emerges from self worth,

Then passiveness and aggressiveness will leave.

When I was a child I was more passive.

I spoke non-assertively.

I acted non-assertively.

I thought non-assertively.

When I grew up I found out I had a responsibility

To be assertive in order to resolve problems.

Now I practice assertiveness gently,

And if I practice it in the future, I will gain

Even more self worth. So —

PASSIVENESS, AGGRESSIVENESS, ASSERTIVENESS,

These three,

But the greatest of these is ASSERTIVENESS.

(Author, Darrell Franken)

MY COMMITMENT TO INCREASED GENTLENESS

1. I see that I have been too passive. I thought I was doing what Jesus wanted but I may have been somewhat misguided. For me to increase my assertiveness within the framework of “gentleness” I think I need to

_________________________ _________________________

2. I see that I have been too ________ with my aggressiveness. I never wanted to appear to be weak, so I guess I ________. Perhaps my aggressiveness was too __________. To become more “assertive” I think I need to

_________________________ _________________________

Bibliography

More than 40 books on Assertiveness Training were published in the 1970's. The list is found in The Assertive Christian by Michael Emmons and David Richardson. Here are a few of the titles. T

Augsburger, D. Anger and Assertiveness in Pastoral Care. Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1979

Baer, J. How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, in Love and on the Job. Signet (New American Library)), 1976.

Hauck, P.A. How to Stand Up for Yourself. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1979.

Jakubowski, P. and A. J. Lange. The Assertive Option. Champaign, Ill: Research Press, 1978.

(More books were published on Assertiveness Training, even into the late 1990's, including Speaking the Truth in Love. Haugk, Kenneth C., Stephens Ministries, 1992, This book is written specifically for the Christian audience.)

LIFESKILLS TRAINING CENTER \| Home \| Ch.1. LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF \| Christians believe in JOY and CHEERFULNESS \| Christians keep trying to be peaceful - Ch 3 in Lifeskills \| Christians keep trying to be PATIENCE and TOLERANT \| Random acts of kindness \| Christians believe in the generosity virtue \| Christians seek to be trusted persons \| Gentleness is a universal value \| Self control is a universal virtue
Click on arrows to read and print out chapters.	Gentleness is a universal value No. 8 Fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23 In the book LIFESKILLS 101: Higher Core Values Winners Live by A Biblical, scientific and graphic presentation of the benefits of living by higher levels of Fruit(s) of the Spirit. GENTLENESS – The Bible and scientific research Words change meaning over the centuries. The King James translation of this Fruit of the Spirit into “meekness” is approaching 500 years of age. The word “meekness” today signifies someone who is quite passive. Some Christians are quite passive. Being meek or even passive is appropriate at times. Passive people tend not to scream, fight, or argue. But excessive “meekness” can allow persons to excessively suppress negative feelings. A large amount of meekness, in the sense of being passive, tends to make persons withdraw when they should be going forward. More recent translations are using the word “gentleness.” This word preserves the original meaning of “meekness” and other synonyms like “humbleness,” while allowing for a certain amount of assertion found in the idea of gentleness. The image that Christians are supposed to be less assertive resulted from the Greek word, praos and prautes being translated by the word “meek” in the King James translation. We find this in the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the meek (Greek=praos), for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5 KJ). Another example, Jesus quotes Zechariah 9:9, “See, the King comes to you, GENTLE (Greek=praos) and riding on a donkey” (Matthew 21:5). (See also James 1:21 and 3:13 for “gentle”). The King James translation uses “meek” but the New International Version mostly uses the word “GENTLE.” The word GENTLE suggests more assertiveness than the word “meek.” Many earlier uses of “meek” and “meekness” have given Christianity an unattractive and potentially incorrect image. The Apostle Paul turned out to be a GENTLE person. He did not start out that way. Our first picture of him is that he was very religious but very angry at Christians. He went to Damascus to find more Christians whom he would turn over to be persecuted. That is hostile aggression. God gave him a blinding vision of himself on the Road to Damascus. It was a turning point in his life, his conversion. After that he became more level-headed. When he wrote to the Corinthian church he asked them, “Shall I come to you with a rod (as in hostile aggression), or with love in a spirit of GENTLENESS (meekness-KJ)?” (I Corinthians 4:21). Paul had a choice. He could mobilize aggression and hostility, or he could be more “gentle.” He decided to be GENTLE, but he was also quite confrontational to the Corinthians. UNDERSTANDING GENTLENESS AS BEING ASSERTIVE The Apostle Peter also recommended speaking up (gentle assertion), but without hostility. Peter wrote, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have, but do this with GENTLENESS and respect” (I Peter 3:15 NIV, also gentle in LB, RSV). In this setting the Apostle Peter is advocating a type of “gentleness” that is midway between passive withdrawal and out-of-control defensive aggression. That model is similar to one which the social sciences have been using. It is a model that sets some limits to “meekness” going excessively passive, as well as setting some limits to the opposite responses that have too much hostility in them. It is a model that retains some of the good elements of “meekness” while allowing for some expansion into the area of stronger expression of self. THE ASSERTIVENESS MODEL The Assertiveness Training model of the social sciences helps us understand GENTLENESS, the Christian Fruit of the Spirit, No. 8. There is a close parallel between ASSERTIVENESS and GENTLENESS, each helping to define and reinforce the other. At its core, the Assertiveness Training model makes assertiveness one of life’s optimum behaviors. Assertiveness as a more ideal behavior exists in the area between the extremes of passiveness and aggression. When a person thinks of Jesus one thinks of a GENTLE - ASSERTIVE person. References to assertiveness in the social sciences go back as far as 1937, according to Michael Emmons, author of The Assertive Christian (1981). “Assertiveness training officially began in 1952, when Joseph Wolpe, a psychiatrist at Temple University in Philadelphia, identified the therapeutic approach. In his introductory material, Wolpe referred to Andrew Salter as the ‘pioneer of assertive behavior’ [Salter wrote in 1949]” (Emmons, 1981). The Assertiveness Training model simply identifies assertiveness as an optimum behavior that exists between two extremes of hostile aggression and passive introjection of negative feelings. There is some Biblical support for this in the list of qualifications for Bishop or supervisor in I Timothy 3:1 ff. There, the Apostle Paul advocates that a Bishop should be “gentle,” and not “violent.” And in the second letter to Timothy, Paul also suggests that this GENTLE behavior should not become passive behavior. He suggests quite a bold approach; “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrelsome; but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, forbearing, correcting his opponents with GENTLENESS” (II Timothy 2:25 RSV). This is not a picture of keeping silent, walking away and avoiding the truth. This is a picture of assertiveness without passiveness as one extreme, or aggressive hostility on the other extreme. This is the correct picture of Christianity. This picture is also generated by the Assertiveness Training model of the social scientists. Assertiveness coming from a revealed source, the Bible, and from a social science source (Salter, Wolpe, Alberti and Emmons), is mutually supportive and mutually validating. It’s a wedding of two of the highest sources of truth; the Bible and the scientific research of the social sciences. Not long ago I was managing the building of a home for Habitat for Humanity. One of the contractors was taping the seams of the drywall. He was doing this evenings, independent of his daytime job. His slowness was creating major scheduling problems for the volunteers who were scheduled to continue after he finished. He made excuses. I forgave at first. Then the contractor began to shift from excuses for himself and his workers, to blaming us for not having the wood framing done correctly. We went over his agreement with us. He said I was not remembering correctly. Finally he said, “And you are a Christian and you are calling me a liar.” I had not lied. He viewed me as hostile, putting him down. His attack on me was just more blaming. I recalled my image of Jesus and my understanding of ASSERTIVENESS. I kept from becoming AGGRESSIVE. I kept from being PASSIVE. I maintained my gentleness, and affirmed that I don’t have a bad memory. Everything worked out, and my GENTLENESS was neither hostile-aggressive nor passive. CULTURAL DIFFERENCES We need to recognize that some cultures do not support strongly assertive behavior. They promote more meek behavior. The Biblical message allows for variations and thus agrees with the model that the optimum position is generally more central. BEFORE WE GO FURTHER, IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO KNOW WHAT LEVEL OF GENTLENESS (seen also as ASSERTIVENESS), WE LIVE AT. HIGH GENTLENESS IS AT THE TOP, BUT BEING PASSIVE, HOSTILE AND EXPLOSIVE, IS AT THE LOWEST END OF THE SPECTRUM. TO FIND OUT WHERE WE STAND HERE IS THAT TEST. PART 1 MEASURING ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS The following questions pursue the level of gentleness as it is currently being defined more and more by the newer translations of the Word of God. The King James use of the word “meek” for “gentleness” has been a problem. “Meek” does injustice to what we see in Jesus. Jesus had a meekness quality or a gentleness quality, but it was only a part of his overall more assertive behavior. Pick out the most appropriate response. Write the number of that response in the space provided by that statement. 0=Never, 1=Rarely, 2=Occasionally, 3=Sometimes, 4=Frequently, 5=Almost always 71. _____ I am assertive, meaning I decide, plan, and act. 72. _____ I take charge of things. 73. _____ I am good at supervising others. 74. _____ I am a competitive person, and like to win. 75. _____ I go after what I want. 76. _____ I let people know what I think. 77. _____ I prefer to be a leader than a follower. 78. _____ I pursue solutions until I solve problems. 79. _____ I will stand up for my rights. 80. _____ I have high expectations for myself and others. __________ TOTAL (This is Segment No. 8 of Darrell Franken’s Christian Personality Profile built around the Fruit(s) of the Spirit. These questions are a synthesis of the questions found in 39 major published tests. Keep your answers to yourself.) Take the TOTAL and go to the next page. Find the TOTAL which is on the left side of the column. RAW SCORES TO PERCENTILES Find your raw score in the left column, and the score next to it will be your percentile score. The percentile (%) is your score in relation to a cross section of 100 persons in the general population. (Raw=%) 1=1st 11=1st 21=7th 31=25th 41=75th 2=1st 12=1st 22=8th 32=27th 42=80th 3=1st 13=1st 23=9th 33=30th 43=83rd 4=1st 14=1st 24=10th 34=35th 44=87th 5=1st 15=1st 25=12th 35=40th 45=90th 6=1st 16=2nd 26=14th 36=45th 46=95th 7=1st 17=3rd 27=16th 37=50th 47=96th 8=1st 18=4th 28=18th 38=60th 48=97th 9=1st 19=5th 29=20th 39=65th 49=99th 10=1st 20=6th 30=23rd 40=70th 50=99th (Example: If your raw score is 45, then your percentile score is 90, which means that only 10 out of 100 persons are more “Assertive / Gentle” than you -- plus or minus about 5% points.) As persons increase in age their raw scores and percentile scores become higher. High school students may feel their percentile scores are somewhat too low, and older persons may feel that their percentile scores are somewhat higher than is really true. It is difficult to make a test that identifies proper levels in all age groups, without it becoming too complicated for the average person. Many religiously devout persons are surprised their scores are as low as they are. If your “ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS” score was low today, or you let your “assertive gentleness” slide toward too much “passiveness” or “hostility” tomorrow, there are statistical chances you will miss some earthly benefits. Let this information alert you, if necessary, to move you to higher levels of spirituality that deliver, which in turn, deliver higher levels of the many benefits described in this book. USING ONE’S SCORE TO PREDICT WHAT NEEDS UPGRADING Remember your percentile score for “gentleness.” You can use that score to discover possible shortcomings. We all have some shortcomings. We all need to grow spiritually in our behaviors. One of our problems is that we like our “comfort zone” so much we don’t work at becoming more spiritual. Take your percentile score for “gentleness” and find your spot on the lines in the charts on the next few pages. PREDICTING YOUR LEADERSHIP BY WAY OF YOUR GENTLENESS THE GRAPH SHOWS THAT GENTLENESS IS STRONGLY ASSOCIATED WITH LEADERSHIP. A person with higher levels of Christian GENTLENESS has a greater probability of becoming more of a leader. Remember your percentile score. Find the spot on the gentleness line. Next, look just below or above that spot on the leadership line. That is your predicted “leadership” potential in relationship to your “gentleness” level. For example, if you had a gentleness percentile score of 62, looking below it, you have a current leadership potential at 47th percentile (out of 100) of other persons. You are not stuck there for the remainder of your life because an increase in spirituality and “gentleness” can develop and mature. Your leadership actual and/or potential is not simply dependent on your gentleness but on the overall package of the 9 Fruits of the Spirit levels in your life. Your predicted level of leadership is also predicted as an average for all persons with the percentile score of 62. You may in fact be somewhat higher or lower in leadership potential. This is brought to your attention to help you understand the power in higher levels of Fruits of the Spirit to help deliver higher levels of leadership potential. Only the gentle-assertive approach helps foster greater leadership. This gentle and assertive approach also involves other skills. You need faith, prayer, forgiveness, dialogue, negotiation and Christian practices like that to help make gentleness work. Furthermore, the chart and its wisdom steer us away from hostile aggression or passiveness. Leadership potential drops as hostile aggression and/or passiveness take the place of gentleness. Leadership is generally incompatible with hostile aggression and/or passiveness. Where there is no faith, prayer, forgiveness, dialogue, negotiation and other rational behaviors, people often turn to hostile aggression. Some, however, bottle hostile feelings and become passive. The Apostle Paul recommended GENTLENESS. He recommended it to Timothy and James. He also reminds Titus. “Remind them (Titus’ friends on the isle of Crete) to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient . . . to be GENTLE (Greek=epieikes) and show perfect courtesy to all” (Titus 3:1,2 RSV + LB). The Apostle Peter is an example of how spirituality generates the “fruit” named GENTLENESS. Earlier Peter had strong and violent impulses. Even after 3 years with Jesus, during the arrest process of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Peter cut off the ear of a Roman guard who was going to take Jesus (Matthew 26:52). Jesus rebuked Peter for it. Later, this same Peter started the movement to bring the Gospel of Christ to the Gentiles (Acts 10 and 11). He was criticized by his fellow Jews, but he GENTLY explained how God had instructed him. He must have become GENTLE because he turned out to be a very strong LEADER. Stronger leaders have more GENTLENESS than aggression. DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS? How gentle are people where you work, and how gentle are your leaders? YOUR RESPONSE Are you starting to get a deeper appreciation for the benefits of the Christian faith? GENTLENESS PREDICTING REDUCED ILLNESS ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH. — IT IS ASSOCIATED WITH A REDUCTIONS THAT AVERAGE ABOUT HALF THE INCIDENCE OF NEED FOR MEDICAL SERVICES. Unbelievers! Take note! God’s recommended lifeskills above the 66th percentile deliver; (1) 31% decrease in Days in the Hospital, (2) -33.8% decrease in counseling, (3) -76.9% decrease in anxiety attacks, (4) -53.6% decrease in substance abuse,(5) -55.4% decrease in behavior problems, (6) -67.9% decrease in migraines. Half-hearted believers! If you are below the 66th percentile in GENTLENESS, on the average it is unlikely that you will tend to receive the same statistical health advantages. If a Christian is half-hearted about applying spirituality to gain gentle assertiveness, then s/he ought not be upset with God for allowing his/her above-average amount of illness. Not all illnesses come from germs or chemicals in the environment. Many illnesses are related to the lifestyles we lead, in combination with genetic and environmental factors. Heart disease is often related to stress, fat intake, etc. Alcohol consumption is a factor in some liver disease, etc. We may not be able to change the genetic and environmental factors, but we can change to more optimum lifeskills. ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS, obtained through God, Christ, faith, trust, prayer, Bible Study, fellowship with believers, etc., appears to prevent some percentage of illnesses. Read any of Dr. Paul Tournier’s books or almost any contemporary book on Stress Management and you will understand the connection between lifeskills and health. CAN’T BE BOTH PASSIVE AND GENTLE. THE GRAPH SAYS THE SAME THING THAT THE APOSTLE PAUL SAID TO TIMOTHY, “CORRECT(ING) OPPONENTS WITH GENTLENESS” (II TIMOTHY 2:25). THAT IS NOT PASSIVENESS. GENTLENESS IS BOLDNESS, LIKE JESUS coming into Jerusalem, “gentle, riding on a donkey.” Facing opposition and death with “gentlenessf” is facing it with faith and boldness, not passivity or hostileness. The Apostle Paul combined gentleness and boldness when he communicated with the Corinthian church. However, he does not want to have the Corinthians think that his boldness is hostile aggression. “By the meekness (Greek=prautes) and gentleness (Greek=epieikea) of Christ, I appeal to you — I, Paul, who am timid when face to face with you, but bold when away. I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world. For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world . . . I do not want to frighten you with my letters. . . ” (I Corinthians 10:1). Poor Paul! He hates to be confrontive, and hopes the people won’t misinterpret and become defensive. Paul doesn’t want to alienate his converts. DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS? How do you speak up and get your point across without alienating someone? GENTLENESS REDUCES EXPLOSIVENESS. THE GRAPH SHOWS THAT INCREASING LEVELS OF EXPLOSIVENESS (aggression) ACCOMPANY DECREASING LEVELS OF GENTLENESS. This inverse statistical association supports the idea that a hot-head has considerably less possibility of becoming a manager or leader at his or her place of employment. People do not work well under verbally explosive and violence-oriented persons. GENTLENESS is a higher value. It is a more valuable asset. Christianity delivers higher-level GENTLENESS (to many, but not to all). The graph builds credibility for the power of Christian faith to produce positive benefits. Scientific research and the Bible agree. “Godliness (a part of which is gentleness) is of value in every way. It will help you not only now in this life, but in the next life too” (I Timothy 4:8 RSV + LB). Higher spirituality in the form of GENTLENESS reduces explosiveness, increasing one’s probability for promotions to higher level supervisory positions. Ghandi was the highest official in India when the British left in 1946-1947. Ghandi did not use violent means to push out the British. Ghandi used peaceful means. There was a strong desire by most people in India for the British to leave. Ghandi used a GENTLE approach. He fasted. His fasts were lengthy. Ghandi represents a lifeskill that is highly prized for its benefits. DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS? Are leaders in the world becoming more gently assertive rather than hostile and aggression-filled? PUT GOD’S GENTLENESS IN YOUR LEADERSHIP THE PILLAR ON THE LEFT IS FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT NO. 8 -- GENTLE-ASSERTIVENESS. The four pillars support the idea that higher levels of gentle - assertive behavior (left pillar), are associated with higher levels of communication, expression and influence (three right pillars). Equally true, but not apparent in the pillar chart is the opposite. Lower levels of gentle-assertive behaviors are associated with less “communication” and less “expression.” The consequence is that one has less “influence.” The practical outcome is that a person who doesn’t become more spiritually minded, may never have enough Fruit(s) of the Spirit to reach his or her optimum potential. The corruption of this world may grab and hold a person from attaining productive lifeskills. A personal faith in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit “saves us from the corruption that is in this world” (II Peter 1:4 RSV). And “Thanks be to God, who in Christ, always leads us in triumph” (II Corinthians 2:14 RSV). DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS? If you attended Sunday School as a child, and continue throughout life in Adult Christian Education by age 60 you will have 3000+ hours of training in optimum lifeskills. That is about twice as much time as a college student spends in the classroom for 4 years. Are we learning as much and profiting as much from our lifetime of Sunday School and Adult Christian Education? HIGHER SPIRITUAL FRUIT(S) DELIVER MORE FUN. THE CHART SHOWS THAT THE HIGHEST– SCORING GENTLE , BUT ASSERTIVE PERSONS, HAVE THE MOST FUN. Christians have no business having fun at someone else’s expense. Bert was attending college. He lived in a dormitory and associated with persons living on his floor. When a group from the dormitory walked over to the dining hall on campus, they managed to single out Bert’s woods-country habits and manners of speaking. Bert became the object of jokes. Little by little the group found humor in Bert’s habits and manners. Members of the group made remarks that other group members laughed at. In the dormitory halls it was not uncommon to hear semi-mocking humor comments, “Hey Bert, how’s Ernie?” This was a reference to Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street. Comments like this are not overtly derogatory, but they leave a trail of put-down sentiment. Bert listened to comments like this for weeks. Then, one day, Bert quit college. DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS? Is this common? Would a higher-level FRUIT(S) OF THE SPIRIT Christian do this? Why didn’t Bert speak up? What would a counselor say to Bert? Do you think his Sunday School teacher would have taught “turning the other cheek” or “speak up?” Is this a weakness of the church, that we can’t seem to translate Biblical GENTLENESS and ASSERTIVENESS into optimum lifeskills for practical use? CHRISTIAN FAITH and GENTLE ASSERTIVENESS THIS GRAPH SUPPORTS THE CONCLUSION THAT WHEN PERSONS HAVE HIGHER LEVELS OF GENTLE ASSERTIVENESS (Fruit of the Spirit No. 8 - center), THEIR TENDENCY TO “SUPPRESS” (left) AND THEIR TENDENCY TO “EXPLODE” (right) ARE REDUCED IN SIZE. This supports the assertiveness model of the social sciences. The bar on the left shows that when persons average higher ASSERTIVENES (middle bar), they (as a statistical group) average less “suppression” of negative feelings. ASSERTIVENES is better, because “suppression” of negative feelings tends to generate emotional disturbance. The bar on the right shows reduced “explosiveness” in that same group of persons who have higher ASSERTIVENESS (center bar). The chart above basically shows how the top one-third of ASSERTIVE persons function. This illustrates the assertiveness model of the social sciences. — When one simply evaluates the top 10% of ASSERTIVE persons, the “suppress” and “explode” bars are even shorter. That indicates that persons with the very highest ASSERTIVE scores, average some of the very lowest “suppress” and “explode” scores. There is practical advantage to higher spirituality that delivers a higher-level ASSERTIVE type of GENTLENESS. A proper faith that strives for Jesus’ type of GENTLENESS combined with Jesus’ ASSERTIVENESS, tends to reduce the bad emotional effects of excessive passiveness and excessive aggression. Your author never ceases to be amazed at how his research has given credibility to Biblical truth. The amazement that follows is, “How can anyone refuse to believe in the power of Christian spirituality to lift him/herself to his/her optimum potential?” How about you? PART 2 FIXING AND/OR UPGRADING ASSERTIVE GENTLENESS ASSERTIVENESS ILLUSTRATED 1. AGGRESSIVE STYLE Sue: Hey, I told you I wanted to go out shopping tonight. You are late and you ruined my entire evening. Joe: I really don’t care. I had an errand to run. Sue: That could have been done later. Joe: Will you shut up. I can do what I want. 2. PASSIVE STYLE Sue: Would you take out the garbage for me? Joe: I’m watching TV. Sue: O.K. I’ll do it myself. 3. ASSERTIVE STYLE Sue: Joe, the lawn has to be mowed. Joe: I’m tired. Sue: I can see that. When can I expect it to be done? Joe: I don’t know. Sue: Will it be done by Saturday? Joe: Sure. Sue: Is that a promise? Joe: O.K. ILLUSTRATION OF THE ALBERTI AND EMMONS ASSERTIVENESS MODEL The situation: Shayla and Osmand go out to dinner. Osmand orders a dinner of rainbow trout. Shayla orders Chicken Kiev. When the food is served it becomes apparent that the fish has been slightly burned. Passive, Non-assertive reaction: Osmand grumbles to Shayla. He is very upset and finds fault with the other food items. He complains to Shayla about the restaurant. He informs Shayla that he will not ever go to this restaurant again. The server stops to ask how the meal is. Osmand does not speak. Shayla says it is “fine.” She covers for him, trying not to have bad feelings or create a conflict scene. Aggressive reaction: Osmand is upset. He waves his hand to get the attention of the server. The server does not appear quick enough, so Osmand gets up and finds the server at another table. Osmand returns with the server to the table. Osmand speaks very angrily. He criticizes the whole plate of food. He demands an entire new plate of fish. The server is humiliated. Shayla is embarrassed. Her delight in going out has turned into a painful experience. Assertive reaction: Osmand ceases eating. He catches the eye of the server, who comes to the table. Osmand shows the server the burned back side of the fish. He jokes about how the cook must have been watching too many fish at one time. Then he lifts the plate and asks very politely that the cook broil another fish, with his eye on the fish instead of the server. The original hurt motivated the action, but the love in Osmand modified the behavior. Humor got the message across. Everyone comes out a winner. Gentleness smooths out the violent hills and the depressive valleys of people’s daily experiences. HOW DO YOU MEASURE UP TO THESE GUIDELINES? GENTLE — ASSERTIVENESS EXERCISES 1. At a gas station the attendant filed the gas tank of your car, but forgot to replace the cap. You discover it later and return to the station and make a response. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. Non-assertive ASSERTIVE Aggressive 2. You took your dress or suit to the cleaners. When you have it home and examine it there is a extra crease in the dress/suit and they did not get a spot out. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. Non-assertive ASSERTIVE Aggressive 3. A teenager has been putting off doing homework, hasn’t kept his/her room clean, and came home late. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. Non-assertive ASSERTIVE Aggressive GENTLE — ASSERTIVENESS EXERCISES 4. You invite people to a party. One of your good friends does not come to the party. How do you handle your hurt feelings. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. How would you respond if you were, Non-assertive ASSERTIVE Aggressive 5. You are a 9th grader. Some of your classmates tease you about your clothes. You feel hurt and rejected. Fill in the blanks with a type of response appropriate to each of the following. How would you respond if you were; Non-assertive ASSERTIVE Aggressive 6. You asked your son or daughter to help you with the dishes. That son or daughter won’t leave the TV program to help you. How would you respond if you were; Non-assertive ASSERTIVE Aggressive While God is loving, He’s not totally passive about our behavior. He can invade this world with a fury when he wants. He is also able to forgive. Gentleness requires that a person clean up some of his or her hurts by forgiving. God, in the form of His Son Jesus, went to the cross to show He suffered people’s abuse but was still gentle because he could forgive. By communion with his Father, he gained power to forgive the worst possible enemies a person can have. Hanging on the cross he said, “Father forgive them, for they don’t realize what they are doing.” That model is portrayed in weekly worship so that you may be continually reminded of the need for being forgiving. You need to be forgiving as you work your way through life’s daily hurts; sometimes shutting your mouth when you do not want to, and sometimes speaking up when it might be painful to others. With love and forgiveness in your heart, the chances of making a wrong decision are diminished. God’s Holy Spirit is available to help make it possible for you to forgive. That is a more personal matter. You will probably decide this on the basis of the benefits of a deeper change of values and loyalties. DISCUSS YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT FORGIVENESS? A Personnel Manager or Human Resource manager uses mediation skills regularly. S/he lets one person have a private session. Then s/he lets the other person have a private session. Then s/he brings the two together, and lets them dialogue. There are a couple of rules they follow. Each party is coached to say how s/he feels inside their feelings, more than what s/he thinks in their heads. Also each party is coached to claim what they want, more than crab about what they don’t want. The Christian perspective is not very different. It has elements of private face-to-face dialogue. It has elements of having a mediator present. (Step 1) “If your brother trespass against you (sin against you, or offend you) go tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have restored the relationship. (Step 2) But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. (Step 3) If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. (Step 4) If he refuses to listen to the church, let him be to thee as a heathen and a publican (going to hell)” (Matthew 18:15-17). People love to go directly from the offense before Step 1, straight to Step No. 4. They somewhat angrily adopt the “Go to hell! (Step No. 4)” attitude when they do not know what else to do. Christians (also everyone) need to use this good advice of Jesus’ assertive-type conflict-resolution program. (Step No. 3 is almost entirely avoided in the current church). DISCUSS WHEN, WHERE, AND HOW THESE 4 STEPS MAY BE USEFUL. Do you need to resolve some of your negative feelings by doing the 4-step process, rather than avoiding this process? DISCUSSION 1. Trina, Doren and Neda all attended a nearby elementary school. Doren (age 10) felt his two sisters were favored in the family and that they had more friends at school. Doren began to do poorly in his class in school. The more poorly he did in class the more negative the teacher and friends became. Look at all 7 chalkboards on the previous pages and apply how each of the various skills might have helped him. 2. Cagney Williams was a second string defensive end on his high school football team. After graduating from high school he got a factory job and soon supervised a team of line-workers. One day Cagney got in a fight with a worker who challenged him. When his boss heard about the fight he phoned Cagney to come to his office. Cagney left the plant by another door, called in and quit the job. Look at all 7 chalk boards in these pages and try to figure out what Cagney could have done to prevent a fight and prevent quitting his job. 3. The poor-me passive and non-assertive type of persons often try to manipulate others into helping, or taking it easy on them. Their behaviors are not assertive. Such persons should be taught to speak up in some situations. Now that you know some information about the problems of non-assertive behavior, what would you say to this person? FOLLOWING SOME OF THE WORDS AND STYLE OF THE GREATEST CHAPTER ON LOVE, I CORINTHIANS 13, THINK ABOUT GENTLE ASSERTIVENESS THIS WAY. If I speak with the tongue of ordinary people, And have not assertiveness, I can be mentally ill and easily sick. If I look pretty, have a good brain and physique, And my father owns a thousand chain stores, But I do not have assertiveness; I am nothing. If I give away all my money to make friends, And deliver a new car to every neighbor, But if I do not have assertiveness, I gain nothing. Assertiveness is not jealous or boastful. It is not arrogant or rude. Assertiveness does not insist on its own way. It is not irritated or resentful. If does not rejoice in seeing others hurt. It rejoices in the achievement of others. Assertiveness bears all things. Assertiveness believes all things. Assertiveness hopes all things. Assertiveness endures all things. Assertiveness never runs out of sunshine. As for passiveness, it brings on depression. As for aggressiveness, it hurts others. As for assertiveness; it flows from self worth. For passiveness is a problem. And aggressiveness is a problem. So when assertiveness emerges from self worth, Then passiveness and aggressiveness will leave. When I was a child I was more passive. I spoke non-assertively. I acted non-assertively. I thought non-assertively. When I grew up I found out I had a responsibility To be assertive in order to resolve problems. Now I practice assertiveness gently, And if I practice it in the future, I will gain Even more self worth. So — PASSIVENESS, AGGRESSIVENESS, ASSERTIVENESS, These three, But the greatest of these is ASSERTIVENESS. (Author, Darrell Franken) MY COMMITMENT TO INCREASED GENTLENESS 1. I see that I have been too passive. I thought I was doing what Jesus wanted but I may have been somewhat misguided. For me to increase my assertiveness within the framework of “gentleness” I think I need to _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ 2. I see that I have been too ________ with my aggressiveness. I never wanted to appear to be weak, so I guess I ________. Perhaps my aggressiveness was too __________. To become more “assertive” I think I need to _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ Bibliography More than 40 books on Assertiveness Training were published in the 1970's. The list is found in The Assertive Christian by Michael Emmons and David Richardson. Here are a few of the titles. T Augsburger, D. Anger and Assertiveness in Pastoral Care. Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1979 Baer, J. How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, in Love and on the Job. Signet (New American Library)), 1976. Hauck, P.A. How to Stand Up for Yourself. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1979. Jakubowski, P. and A. J. Lange. The Assertive Option. Champaign, Ill: Research Press, 1978. (More books were published on Assertiveness Training, even into the late 1990's, including Speaking the Truth in Love. Haugk, Kenneth C., Stephens Ministries, 1992, This book is written specifically for the Christian audience.)	This book may be purchased --- Click on this pircure, scroll to bottom, to pay through PayPal, a secure server.